Ninja Life
by Zooie
Summary: Takes place during the chuunin exam. Lee is laid up in the hospital and Gaisense arranges a visit from the other genin. What are they to do to pass the time? Play the hippest board game around, of course: Ninja Life!


**Warnings**: Silliness, light language, mention of smex.

**Notes**: Ninja Life is slightly different from the real version of Life. It has an unlimited number of life tiles, which are referred to as Ninja Scrolls. The occupation cards and board are different, but the salary and house cards are the same.

I mentioned to my brother (who came up with the original concept for this) that I thought someone had already written a Naruto fic where the genin played a board game. He asked me what the story was called and who had written it. I said I didn't know. He asked me what game they'd played. I said I didn't know. He asked me what had happened in the story. I said I didn't know. He told me not to worry about it. I am anyway, though, so if anyone out there has written a Naruto board game fic, please rest assured that I did not intend to be a copycat.

**NINJA LIFE**

"Yay!" cheered Lee. "I'm so much happier now that I have visitors, though I must confess that I am also very surprised. With the chuunin finals only a week away, I expected everyone to be far too busy to visit me. How wonderful it was of you all to take time out of your busy training schedules to come see me!"

"It's not like we wanted to," Shino bluntly stated with complete disregard for Lee's feelings.

"Wanted to train so much, he means," Gai quickly amended, shooting Shino a look so as to discourage him from ever speaking again for the rest of his life. Shino wasn't concerned because it's not like he'd planned on talking all that much anyway. What were a few lost syllables or two?

"What! You mean to say that you have all lost the drive to become stronger! Oh, this is most tragic!" Lee looked stricken. "You must never give up! There is always room to improve! Your hearts must go on!"

"Never let go, Lee. Never let go," sobbed Gai, moved to tears by his pupil's motivational speech.

"For once you've actually said something intelligent, Lee. Your words are correct. We need to train harder. Right now, actually," said Neji. Well, that's what he **said**, but that was just a ploy to get out of the room before he was swept away in a tidal wave of pupil-sensei love. What he was **really** thinking was that he certainly did not need to exert himself training because he was simply destined to be the greatest and so could indeed afford an afternoon off now and again to do things such as read good literature (he especially enjoyed "Sideways Stories from Wayside School") and savor a few pieces of choice candy (Everlasting Gobstoppers being his favorite), unlike the other poor saps in the room who should, in his opinion, forgo even sleep in favor of improving their pitiful skills. Especially Naruto. If he was Naruto he not only wouldn't have slept for years, he also wouldn't have eaten. He would have practiced continuously, relying on the sugar content of Everlasting Gobstoppers to sustain him during his perpetual training, they being small and portable enough to consume even while practicing kunai throwing. But he was not Naruto –thank God- and so was able to indulge himself with Korean barbeque whenever he so wished and he did so wish right now. "See you later, Lee," he said on his way out the door. "Have a nice life."

"LIFE!" gasped Gai-sensei, grabbing Neji by his long, flowing locks of youthfulness and yanking him back into the room. "What a most excellent idea! Why don't you all engage yourselves with a riveting game of Ninja Life! It is most hip and modern!"

"Then why don't you challenge Kakashi-sensei with it and let us go back to train—visiting with Lee?" sulked one of the genins. It doesn't matter which one of them said it because that's what they **all** were thinking!

"Nonsense!" scoffed Gai. "Jounin such as I do not have the gratuitous amounts of free time needed pursue such whimsical things! Such diversions are best left to the shining youth of Konoha, those with the boundless energy and innovative ways of thinking that are necessary to win a game such as this!"

"I have to go tend the flower shop," Ino said randomly. "It's almost two o'clock and my mother will be mad if I'm late."

"Yes, yes, of course you must depart," said Gai, "right AFTER you play a game of Ninja Life."

"No, I have to leave now," protested Ino. "I have to be there to help unload a shipment of yellow-"

"Ino has called dibs on the yellow car!" declared Gai. "Does anyone else have a preference?"

"ORANGE!" shouted Naruto. "What's a car?"

"It is a fictitious contraption particular to the game of Ninja Life," explained Gai, going to the window where a swallow waited with the game box in its mouth. "There is no delivery service more reliable than that of the African Swallows," he declared happily, tipping the bird a coconut. He began setting the board up on Lee's bedside table.

"If we rush him, we might be able to make it past," whispered Kiba. Akamaru growled softly in agreement.

"That'll never work," sighed Shikamaru. "We need a strategy. Kiba, you go first. Run straight into Gai's torso and shove. Akamaru, you jump on his face and cover his eyes so he can't see what's going on. As that's happening, Shino should deploy his bugs and use them to make Gai's back itch uncontrollably. While he's busy scratching, Naruto will make multiple clones, jump on him and cause him to bend over, lowering his center of gravity. Then Chouji, being the strongest, will charge him and run straight into his torso, thus knocking him to the ground and hopefully immobilizing him long enough for me to use my shadow binding technique. Once I have him trapped, it will be easy going. Everyone else will simply leave the room and, once you are all free, I will back towards the door and—"

"Have fun playing, children!" Gai flashed his shiniest smile and left the room, closing the door behind him. Everyone looked up, startled, and found that they had been left alone with Lee, who had a death grip on Sakura's hand and was attempting to kiss her, but was being thwarted by his crush's mad bending skills.

"What do you know," said Kiba. "He left. Now we're free to just walk out. All that planning was for nothing!"

"So troublesome," whined Shikamaru. Then he fell asleep standing up. Everyone stared in awe.

"Maybe he's narcoleptic," ventured Hinata timidly.

"Oh, who cares? Let's just get out of here while Lee's distracted," said Ino. She walked to the door and tried to open it, only to find it wouldn't budge. "What the heck?" she gasped. "The door won't open!"

"What!" cried Kiba. "I do not believe you despite the fact that I have never known you to lie and in fact have had only very limited interactions with you at all!"

"Well, then you try," snapped Ino, putting her hands on her hips.

"I will!" cried Kiba and he charged the door.

Just before he slammed head first into it, Neji stopped him with a clothesline. "It's useless," he sighed. "We're trapped in sensei's jutsu."

"How can you tell?" asked Naruto, possessively clutching the orange car even though they weren't going to play the game in a million years.

Neji turned to face him and smiled his creepiest smile, the one that enemy nations put on their propaganda posters as a demonstration of Fire Country's depravity. "Do you really need to ask?" he smirked.

Naruto stared at the veins that pulsated around Neji's white eyes. "Can you donate blood through those things?" he asked pointlessly.

"Oh, Sakura!" Lee cried suddenly. "I am so happy that we are to spend the whole afternoon together! How kind my sensei is to exert himself and use a jutsu simply to keep any interfering forces from entering and interrupting our time together!"

'He shall pay. Oh, he shall pay,' promised Inner-Sakura as Lee resumed making kissie lips.

Suddenly the door burst open and Sasuke came flying through. "I forgot one!" announced Gai, standing tall in the doorway. "Kakashi didn't want to excuse him from training, but I demanded a challenge and won, so here he is! I must now depart, but fear not! I shall return at game's end to receive your everlasting admiration!" Then he closed the door with a firm snick.

Sasuke picked himself off the floor and brushed himself off. "What's going on?" he demanded angrily.

Everyone stared blankly at each other for a few seconds, no one wanting to explain the situation because no one was really sure they knew exactly what the situation **was**. Against all odds, it was Hinata who finally spoke up. "I think," she whispered, "Gai-sensei will not release us from this room until we complete a game of Ninja Life." Then she blushed at her own daring.

"Well, then begin playing," commanded Sasuke. "I have better things to do than idle around some nitwit's hospital room."

"Y-yes," stuttered Hinata, obediently placing herself beside the board and laying claim to the white car. She carefully placed a little pink figure into the driver's seat.

"I wanted the white car!" Neji loudly exclaimed, snatching it off the board and flicking the little pink figure across the room. He replaced it with a little blue one and placed it at start. "You be blue. Nobody likes blue," Neji said, despite the fact that blue is the most popular color in the world!

"Okay," whispered Hinata, timidly putting a little pink figure in the blue car. She placed the car at start, but on the road to college.

"Isn't that just like the main house!" growled Neji. "Sending themselves to college while leaving the branch house to fend for itself! Well, I demand go to college, too!" With that, he shoved Hinata's car out of the way so that HIS was the first car on college road.

"I'm going to college, too. I'm gonna be vadelic- valedac- number one!" shouted Naruto, plunking his orange car down behind Neji's. In it were two little figures, one pink and one blue.

"What's that?" demanded Neji, pointing in disapproval.

"It's me and Sakura-chan!" chirped Naruto.

"Like Hell!" snapped Sakura, freeing her hand from Lee's with Herculaneum strength and plucking the pink figure from Naruto's car. She placed it instead in the red car and shoved her piece onto college road, too. "No one can marry me but Sasuke," she purred, making eyes at the object of her affection. He ignored her, preferring instead to sulk in the corner. Shino was sulking in another corner and the two kept glaring at one another, each trying to assert his superior sulking ability.

"Like Hell!" snapped Ino, slamming her yellow car down at the career path. "No one can marry Sasuke but ME!"

"We'll see about that, Ino-pig," sniffed Sakura.

"Ooo! Ooo!" squealed Lee. "Maybe Sakura will wind up married to me!" Shivering in anticipation, he shoved a blue figure into the green car and placed it carefully on the career path.

"Spin for firsts!" shouted Naruto. Then he gave the wheel a mighty spin and got a… one. "Beat that, hot shots!" he grinned.

Neji spun the wheel next and got a ten. "As it should be," he said with satisfaction.

The others exchanged glances. "Should we even bother spinning?" asked Hinata.

Ino frowned. "Oh, who cares. Let's just get this over with so I can leave!"

"I'll be banker!" announced Sakura.

"No, I'll be banker!" refuted Ino. "You might cheat."

"You can both be banker," shouted Kiba from near the window where he and Akamaru were curled up in a patch of sunshine. "Just play the freaking game so we can go home!"

So Sakura handed everyone ten thousand dollars and Ino handed everyone who was going to college a hundred thousand dollars in loan certificates. No one wanted to buy auto insurance because they didn't know what it was, never having even seen a car before. Then they were ready to start!

"Wait!" said Ino. "I'm not going to college. I have to choose my career now."

"Best of luck getting a good job without an education," muttered Sakura snidely.

Ino ignored her and chose a career card and a salary card. She was an Executive Assistant Nin with a salary of seventy thousand dollars. She gave Sakura a condescending look and THEN they were ready to start!

"Wait!" said Lee. "I need to choose my career now, too!"

So then he chose a card and he was a Ninjitsu instructor with a salary of fifty thousand dollars!

"You can't have that job," said Neji.

"Why not?" asked Lee.

"Because you can't do Ninjitsu!" barked Neji.

"So what? It's a game!" said Lee.

"It's not right!" protested Neji. "How are you going to teach something you don't know?"

"With flair and style!" Lee did the best Nice Guy pose he could while bedridden.

"Just play the game!" screamed everyone who was watching, except Shikamaru who was still asleep and Chouji whose face was stuffed with food, which is why he hadn't said anything thus far: he was a very polite child who didn't talk with his mouth full. Okay, that was a lie. He didn't say anything thus far because I forgot he was supposed to be there, although how you forget someone like Chouji I'm not quite sure. I'm sorry, Chouji! Can you ever forgive me!

Oh, and Tenten wasn't forgotten. She was still out in the courtyard, staring dreamily at the flagpole which was gloriously reflecting the sun. "Shiny," she grinned happily.

Anyhoo! Game time!

Neji gave the wheel a mighty spin and got a five. "'D class mission,'" he read, "'Collect five thousand dollars.' Ha! Beat that, Hinata!" Sakura handed him five thousand dollars.

Hinata was seated to Neji's right (so he could make sure she didn't cheat, either) and so she went next. She spun a one. "'Scholarship! Collect twenty thousand dollars,'" she read. Sakura handed her twenty thousand dollars, Neji pouted and then it was Naruto's turn!

He spun a five. "'Buy supplies. Pay five thousand dollars,'" he read. "Aww, no fair! Re-spin!"

"NO!" said Ino and spun the wheel. She got a four and collected two pay days, earning one hundred and forty thousand dollars! Go, Ino!

Then Sakura went. She spun a three. "'Make new friends," she read. "'Take a Ninja Scroll.'"

"Are you going to backstab those friends, too?" asked Ino.

Sakura would have said something really nasty, but then Lee spun with all his youthful intensity and got a three, too!

"It's a sign that we were meant to be together!" he swooned.

"No it's not!" said Sakura and made Ino hand him the ten thousand dollars he'd inherited.

Neji spun, got a two and collected a Ninja Scroll for completing a foreign mission. Hinata got a seven and received a Ninja Scroll for completing an A rank mission. Neji pouted.

Then it was Naruto's turn and he got a six, placing him on the career choice square. "Ne ne, Sakura-chan!" he gushed. "I'm going to be ANBU! Watch me!"

He pulled a career card and read it. His jaw dropped open, he turned completely white and the card fell from his limp hand. It fluttered down to land face-up on the board.

"'College Dropout!'" Sakura read aloud. "'Dead Last: having failed all your college classes, you have been refused a degree. Go back to start. You must follow the career path.'"

From the corner came a sound that might have been Sasuke laughing, but since no one had ever heard him laugh, they couldn't be sure that's what it was and decided to ignore it. It was probably only a cockroach, anyway. Shino would take care of it.

"Oh, well," shrugged Ino. "My turn!"

She spun the wheel and got a ten, passing a payday and landing on the wedding square! She snatched a little blue man from the box and stuck it in her car. "Sasuke's mine!" she squealed. Sakura seethed as Ino took a Ninja Scroll and rolled again for her honeymoon. She spun a two and collected another Ninja Scroll for having a Happy Honeymoon with Sasuke.

Then they had to take a break because all the guys present simultaneously gagged.

Sakura got a seven and collected a Ninja Scroll. Lee spun a seven, too and got a payday _and_ a Ninja Scroll. Then it was Neji's turn!

Neji spun the wheel with all his might and got a five, placing him on the career choice square! "Now is when I will assert my greatness," he said self-assuredly. He pulled a card from the career deck, glanced at it for a moment and then shot to his feet in anger.

"Impossible!" he shouted. "I am destined to be number one! This is a blight upon my good name!"

"What does it say?" asked Naruto.

"I'm to be a Traitor Nin!" shouted Neji, holding the card up for them to see.

"'Traitor Nin,'" read Lee. "'Ultimate Jerk: You have betrayed your nation and may collect no regular salary. You must rely on the board for funds. If you spin a ten, your cover is blown and you lose instantly. Best of luck. Bwahahhahaha.'"

"This is all your fault!" Neji growled at Hinata. "You rigged the deck!"

"But… I… no!" sputtered Hinata.

"A truly great Ninja would win in spite of this most grievous handicap," proclaimed Lee. Neji's pride thus placed on the line, he settled down and spun again, getting a six and winning ten thousand dollars in a race.

"See, you're already making money," smiled Lee, wanting even his Eternal Rival to have fun.

Hinata then went, spinning a six and stopping on the career choice square. Neji smirked.

"Now is when revenge shall be mine," he said nastily.

Hinata chose a card and read it out loud. "'Head of Main House. Top Dog: You're the leader of the most influential family in town. Automatically receive the highest salary card, even if someone else has already drawn it. You are immune to salary and career changes, do not need to buy a house or pay any bills. If there is a traitor nin, they must pay you one thousand dollars times their every spin (ex: if they spin an eight, they pay you eight thousand dollars). May we congratulate you in advance on your win!'"

Neji was in too much shock to protest as Hinata took the one hundred thousand dollar salary card and spun again, moving four spaces, collecting a payday and a Ninja Scroll.

Then it was Naruto's turn again and he had to choose a career, too! He wound up as a professional dog-walker with a salary of twenty thousand dollars.

"Hey, look, Sakura-chan," he said, waving the career card in her face. "I'm a professional!"

"Just go," she sighed. Naruto spun a three and collected ten thousand dollars from an inheritance, just like Lee had! Maybe it was a sign that THEY were destined to be together!

Not likely.

Ino went and spun an eight, landing on a square that said, 'Visit in-laws. Collect a Ninja Scroll.' She was reaching for a scroll when Sakura stopped her.

"That square doesn't apply to you," she whispered. "You don't have any in-laws!"

"What do you mean?" asked Ino, staring at her forehead with the same level of fascination a rabbit has for an attacking snake.

"The Uchiha clan was wiped out, remember? Only Itachi survived and I doubt Sasuke would consent to visiting him."

"Well, maybe we're visiting their graves," whispered Ino, making a quick come-back.

"Then you should miss a turn, because that's an awful lot of graves to visit," whispered Sakura.

"Shove it," whispered Ino and she took a Ninja Scroll. "Your turn, Sakura," she said sweetly.

Sakura didn't even bother spinning because even if she only got a one she would still have to stop to choose a career! She moved her car forward one space and picked a card from the career deck. "'Gate Guard. City Protector: You are a ninja in shining armor, keeping your people safe. Every time someone spins a ten, collect ten thousand dollars from them for trying to sneak through the gates. If you come within three spaces of the traitor nin, collect a one hundred thousand dollar bribe from the traitor nin to secure his freedom.'"

Then she chose the ninety thousand dollar salary card, squealed happily, and spun again, moving ahead four spaces. She collected a payday, a Ninja Scroll, and fell within three spaces of the traitor nin.

"Pay up, Neji!" she said in a sing-song voice.

"I don't have that much money!" Neji snapped irately.

"The bank will kindly give you a loan," smiled Sakura, counting out five loan tickets for him and taking one hundred thousand dollars for herself. Neji grumbled, but did not protest, not wanting to look like he wasn't honorable enough to pay his debts... unlike the Main House.

Lee then went and spun a seven, but was stopped at the wedding square! "Oh, Sakura! Our day of joy has come at last! It will not be long now before the children arrive!" he gushed, blushing prettily.

"You can't do that!" Sakura yelped. "You can't marry someone who's already playing!"

"You can't?" Lee looked greatly disappointed. "Oh, gosh. Okay, then. I'll just live with Gai-sensei forever and ever!"

"You live with Gai-sensei?" everyone gaped, looking horrified.

Lee giggled. "It's just a game!"

"That doesn't answer the question," Sakura mumbled, but stuck a little blue figure into Lee's car anyway. Smiling happily, he took a Ninja Scroll and spun again, getting a four.

"'Car accident,'" he read, "'Spouse dies in crash.' Gai-sensei! NOOOOO!"

"Sorry, Lee. You lose a turn so you can attend services," Neji said. "My turn!"

Neji spun a four, too and had to pay fifteen thousand dollars because his car wasn't insured and had to pay Hinata four thousand dollars besides. Since he didn't have enough money, he had to take out another loan.

"I'm not sure we're going to have enough," Ino said, looking at the rapidly diminishing stack. "Hinata, pay some of yours back so we have more."

"Okay," Hinata said and paid back four loans, handing the bank one hundred thousand dollars. Then she spun a two, winning a race and winning ten thousand dollars! Neji pouted.

Then Naruto spun a three, getting himself lost and losing a turn. But he did collect a payday! Yay, Naruto!

Ino spun a three, but was stopped to buy a house. She pulled a card. "I got the aluminum trailer!" she whined. "Poor Sasuke… he's too good for that." Then she paid seventy-five thousand dollars for the house and insurance.

Then it was Saukra's turn! She got a seven, passing a payday and getting married. "Ooo, Sasuke! Our day of joy has come at last!" she crooned.

"You can't marry Sasuke!" Ino protested. "I'm married to Sasuke. Are you implying that he'd be the type to have an affair!"

In the corner, Sasuke's ears perked up. Sex?

"I would never do that!" Sakura said slickly. "But I did after all have our initials embroidered on all of our linens. Perhaps your ceremony wasn't legally binding and you've been living in sin in your trailer?"

"Oh, no, dear," smiled Ino. "It was perfectly legal. But since you've gone through all the trouble of having the linens embroidered, it would shame to let them go to waste. You're going to have to marry Itachi."

Sakura didn't even know how to begin to express her discomfort with that idea, and so decided that she'd privately think of her husband as Sasuke and let Ino believe what she would.

"Oh, Neji," Sakura said before spinning again. "We're within three squares of each other. The money, please."

And so Neji fell even deeper into debt and Sakura spun a two, having a happy honeymoon with Itachi/Sasuke.

Lee had lost a turn and so it was time for Neji to go again. He was forced to get married, but happily did collect a Ninja Scroll.

"Who's your wife?" Sakura asked interestedly as Neji paid Hinata his last thousand dollars in cash.

"None of your business," muttered Neji, spinning for his honeymoon. He got a nine and collected fifty thousand dollars, having pilfered corpses after a battle. He then paid Hinata nine thousand dollars and didn't even have to borrow money to do so!

Hinata spun a five, stopping exactly on the wedding square! She delicately placed a little blue man in her car and refused to say who it was, although she did shoot several longing looks at Naruto, who had a rather glazed look in his eye. Then she spun a seven, landing on a payday and earning another hundred thousand dollars for herself and her secret husband.

Naruto had lost his turn, so then Ino went. She spun a three, collecting a payday, a Ninja Scroll, and a baby boy! "It's our firstborn, Sasuke," she squealed. "What should we name him?"

"Breakfast," muttered Sasuke.

"Um, okay," said Ino, wondering if he'd even heard her.

Then Sakura went! She spun a three, having to pay ten thousand dollars to update her cache of ninja tools.

Lee spun a ten, paid Sakura ten thousand dollars, collected a payday and stopped to buy a house all in one turn. He picked the Tudor mansion. "Oh, Gai-sensei," he sobbed as he paid for his new home, "how you would have loved the parquet floors! And the built-in whirlpool bathtubs!"

Neji spun a three, paid Hinata three thousand dollars, and stopped to buy a house. He picked the farm house. "'Rolling pastures, prizewinning pigs and cows,'" he read. "'Perfect for ninja training.' BUT I CAN'T AFFORD IT!" Muttering angry, he borrowed another hundred and sixty thousand dollars. Since the bank was out of loan notes, Ino resorted to making tally marks on a paper napkin. She would have made them on Neji's hand, but she didn't think he could handle another mark of debt on his pasty white skin.

Hinata spun a six and passed right by the house square, already being the owner of one. She passed a payday and landed on the "start new career" square, but didn't even have to. What a pointless turn, Hinata!

Then it was Naruto's turn, finally! He was raring to go and spun the spinner so hard it almost fell off the spindle. It spun for a good minute, eventually stopping on seven. He passed a payday, but had to pay fifteen thousand dollars because his car wasn't insured. He was happy, though, because he'd made a whopping five thousand dollars. Not bad, Naruto!

Ino got a two, collecting a Ninja Scroll and a baby girl. "Your first daughter, Sasuke!" she giggled. "What should we name her?"

"Lunch," mumbled Sasuke.

"Um, okay," said Ino, thinking Sasuke must be very hungry. She hoped he wasn't cannibalistic. She wouldn't stand for that in her trailer!

Sakura got a two, collecting a payday and still denying to herself that she'd married Itachi… although if he looked anything like Sasuke, he must be pretty sexy!

Lee spun an eight, collecting two paydays, a Ninja Scroll and twins! "Two boys, please," he sobbed. "I shall name them Gai and Sensei. Oh, Gai-sensei! If only you were still around to hear their ululating cries of youthful intensity!"

Neji then went, got a two and got to start a new career! "YES!" he cheered. "I knew it was worth it to keep playing! Prepare to die, Hinata!"

He pulled a new career card. "'Main House Janitor. Chim Chimerie: You clean up after the main house members. If anyone is the Main House Head, you can never move past them on the board, being their inferior. If you are already ahead of them or on the same square, move back five spaces.'"

Neji would have damned fate, but at that point he didn't have the energy. He dully pulled a salary card, earning sixty thousand dollars a payday, but he really didn't care. He was already four hundred and eighty thousand dollars in debt. He had no prospects of winning.

Hinata paid back her last loan and spun a nine. She passed a payday and collected a Ninja Scroll for having a baby girl. She glowed happily, shooting sidelong glances at Naruto. "What should I name her, Naruto?" she whispered.

"Ramen," he said. Then he spun a three and got stopped on the wedding square! He put a little pink girl in his car. "Our day of joy has come at last, Sakura-chan!" he proclaimed.

"You can't marry me!" Sakura protested. "I'm playing!"

"Oh," Naruto's face fell. "Then I don't want to sit next to her." He took the pink figure out and put it in the last seat in the car. Then, frowning, he took his Ninja Scroll and spun for his honeymoon, hoping he'd land on the space that would kill his spouse.

He didn't, spinning a six and having to pay twenty thousand dollars for remedial night classes.

"Dead last," Sasuke muttered in the corner.

Ino spun a three, having twins and collecting a Ninja Scroll. She chose to have two boys, wanting an entire horde of miniature Sasuke's to adore. "What should we name our two new sons, Sasuke?" she asked contentedly, shooting Sakura a look of superiority. **She** was the most fertile woman on the board.

"Brunch and Lupper," said Sasuke.

"Um, okay," said Ino. Next time, she resolved, she wouldn't ask.

Sakura spun an eight and was stopped to buy a house. She picked the Victorian mansion, which, appropriately enough, was bright pink. "It has a library!" she squealed in delight. She handed over two hundred and fifty thousand dollars, wisely choosing to buy the insurance.

Lee spun a seven and collected a Ninja Scroll. Neji spun a five and collected his first payday! Hinata spun a seven and had another baby girl.

Then it was Naruto's turn. He spun an eight, collected a payday and was stopped to buy a house. "Cool!" he said. "I got a split level! Look, it's cracked just like Sasuke's sanity!"

Everyone laughed. "That was actually funny, Naruto," said Kiba, chuckling appreciatively.

Naruto didn't hear him, counting out forty thousand dollars requiring all his concentration.

The game continued on for the next hour-and-a-half. Hinata reached the end first, then Sakura, then Lee, then Neji, then Ino, and then Naruto. Hinata got four extra Ninja Scrolls for finishing first and they all sold their houses for slightly more than they'd paid for them! It was time to count up all their money!

Neji finished first, since he had the least to count. He had four hundred eighty thousand dollars and nine Ninja Scrolls (but they didn't get to look at those yet). He'd done a really good job of getting himself out of debt, too, having maxed out at six hundred thousand when interest was included. He'd had one baby girl (which he'd only consented to because he planned to raise her to hate the Main House and bring destruction to them all!). He never did reveal who his wife was.

Naruto was the second to finish up. He ended with six hundred and seventy-five thousand dollars and eight Ninja Scrolls. He and his nameless wife had managed to figure out how to propagate and had had one little girl who was thoughtfully named Sakura-chan. The original Sakura did not feel honored.

Ino was the third to finish counting. She had seven hundred and forty-five thousand dollars and fifteen Ninja Scrolls. She'd had ten children and had needed to use two cars to carry them all. If she'd had any idea Sasuke was that fertile, she never would have married them. He'd done a bad job of naming the kids, too. In addition to Breakfast, Lunch, Brunch, and Lupper there was Dinner, Snack, Tea Time, Seconds, Thirds, and Midnight Munchies. Ino thought she could file for a divorce simply on those grounds. Besides which, the aluminum trailer had gotten very crowded. Anyone living in those conditions could certainly justify a homicidal killing spree.

In third place was Lee with one million thirty-five thousand dollars and six Ninja Scrolls. He'd only had the two boys, Gai and Sensei and had spent three turns crying on the "Visit War Memorial" square. His eyes were still red and swollen, which, since they were also very bulbous, looked more than a little freaky and everyone avoided eye contact.

Sakura took second place with one million six hundred and five thousand dollars and ten Ninja Scrolls. She'd had one girl whom she'd named Ino solely because she felt badly about the horrible naming job Sasuke'd done. She still refused to acknowledge that she'd married Itachi and hoped with all her heart that they'd never meet face to face, lest she be forced to stare at him in shock, reliving memories of board games past.

Hinata took first place, despite the fact that she did very little throughout the game. She'd earned one million six hundred and fifty-nine thousand dollars on her own and then the Main House had sold for ten million more, although Hinata had graciously denied to add that sum into her total.. She had twelve Ninja Scrolls and two lovely little girls named Ramen and Iruka-sensei, those being the two things Naruto loved best.

Neji pouted and everyone else exchanged looks.

"Should we even bother counting up the amounts on the Ninja Scrolls?" Sakura asked.

"Why bother?" said Ino. "Hinata's still got us all beaten. It would be a waste of time."

"Besides," said Sasuke from the corner. "The sooner you finish the sooner we can all leave. We've wasted enough valuable time. Declare Hinata the winner so I can go back to my training."

"I will never consent!" cried Neji. "This game is rigged, rigged, I say! It was biased! Unfair! Prejudiced! It had a caste system firmly in place! Social mobility was limited! It was a conspiracy, I say! A conspiracy!"

"Whatever," said Ino. "Hinata wins. She's Hokage. End of story."

"The winner became Hokage?" gaped Naruto. "Why didn't anybody tell me! I would have actually tried! Hey, we have to play again! I have to become Hokage!" He began resetting the board for a new game.

"Dream on, Naruto." Sakura rolled her eyes and headed towards the door. She tried to pull it aside, but found it still stuck in place. "W-what's going on? This thing is still stuck! Why won't it open? We played the stupid game! We didn't even cheat!"

"Yay!" cheered Lee. "Now I can spend all night with my beloved Sakura!"

"NOOOO!" Sakura began pulling violently on the door, but to no avail. Ino came over to lend her power, but sadly there was no sign of movement. The two began bickering over whose fault it was that they were stuck together and all the boys rolled their eyes.

"Women," muttered Kiba.

"So troublesome," sighed Shikamaru, who had woken up when Sakura had let loose with her supersonic howl of dismay. Then he rolled over and went back to sleep.

Naruto was still trying to convince someone to play with him, but no one was so inclined. Hinata tried to console him.

"You can be Hokage," she whispered. "I didn't want to win, anyway."

"Hey, thanks, Hinata!" grinned Naruto, an easy, meaningless victory for once being enough to console him. "Guess what, Sasuke? I'm Hokage!"

"You'll never be anything more than Dead Last," muttered Sasuke.

"Actually," interjected Shino, "Neji was Dead Last in this particular version of life."

Everyone turned to watch as Neji tried to decide if he wanted to kill them all dead or simply subject them to his eternal disdain. He settled on removing his leg wrappings, thus subjecting them to the blindingly pale skin on his chicken legs.

"It burns!" sobbed Chouji. "It burns!"

"Neji!" cried Lee. "Your legs shine brighter than sensei's smile ever did! You shall be my new guiding beacon of inspiration!"

Neji quickly put the leg wrappings back on.

The room fell silent.

"So what do we do now?" asked Shino.

"I don't know," admitted Sakura.

"Can we break down the door?" asked Kiba.

"No," said Neji. "The jutsu won't allow it. Even if we tried, nothing would happen."

"So how are we supposed to get out?" Shikamaru woke up long enough to complain.

"Well, we can't just do nothing!" frowned Sasuke.

"There's nothing we can do," said Shino. "We're stuck. We'll just have to spend the night here. With Lee."

Everyone turned to stare at the abundantly eye-browed boy. He smiled cheerfully.

"Yosh!" Lee said happily. "Never in my life have I been surrounded by so many caring friends. This is the happiest day of my life!"

Silence reigned supreme for a good five minutes.

"So, Neji," Naruto said into the disconcerting quiet. "Who **was** your wife, anyway?"

**-The End-**


End file.
